This post is difficult for me to write and therefore hard for me to share...so please bear with me.
When I started teaching 9.5 years ago, I was in love. I had an amazing class full of what I call vanilla-deaf kids (meaning they were just deaf- there weren't any other concerns). They were unable to meet the demands of a general education classroom, but they were functioning kids nonetheless. I loved that class. Sure, there were behavior issues (aren't there always?), sure there were compatibility issues (mostly stemming from the fact that these kids had been together since Kindergarten and they needed new friends), sure there were academic issues (otherwise they'd have been mainstreamed), but overall it was great. The following couple of years were good too. Not as great, as the higher kids had moved into the other room (I can't teach them forever, right?), but still good. And then it happened. The downfall...I had never had a problem teaching the same kids for up to 4 years (K, 1, 2 and usually a repeated year), but then a group of students came in that weren't functioning. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. But let me explain- they came in with severe behavior issues, severe academic issues, severe social/emotional issues, no parent communication...suffice it to say they were/are the toughest group I've ever had to teach. I watched as one of my student's emotional issues got worse and worse and there was nothing I could do about it because no one believed me (except for those of us in the trenches everyday). It got to the point where I was being beaten up daily and not lightly either- I was being punched in the face, bitten, kicked, scratched, hair pulled, told to f*** off, spit at, and just generally abused. I had no support from the parents or administration. I was basically told that because I was an ESE teacher it was part of the package and I was expected to take it. Needless to say, this was where my love of teaching this extremely special group of students began to wane. I felt completely drained- mentally, physically, and emotionally. I was forced to watch as one student's mental health took it's toll on her and the rest of the class as I was unable to teach everyone else while attempting to handle her. This went on for 4.5 years and got worse and worse each year. And the lack of support from my administration also got worse and worse as they refused to do anything to provide support. The day they removed her from my class and placed her in the classroom next door, they assigned her a unique aide (a paraprofessional assigned directly to her needs)- which she's had ever since. That action showed me how much my administration disrespected me. I was angry, beat down, sad, and ultimately disenchanted with the entire system.
But I soldiered on. I tried to get back to teaching the rest of the students in my class- but then another behavior issue came about. This time SEVERE ADHD. Again, we were in survival mode. This was the next student I watched get worse and worse. He's unable to retain any information and needs someone sitting directly next to him to control his behaviors. It's absolutely ridiculous. We've tried EVERYTHING to help him, but nothing is sticking. I mean, I've never been a proponent of medication but this is a child that we were practically begging the parents to look into it (they continue to refuse to even consider it, by the way). Summer came, and, again, I'm exhausted. My own health and well-being was suffering and I couldn't take much more. I took the summer to regroup and began to believe that next year would be better- I came up with ideas and ways to help my students become more independent and to generally function better. And there was a bright spot- a new principal was coming in and who knows what that would bring (mostly negatives, by the way). I started this year with 3 new students, 3 returning, and 1 that came to us in December. But here's where the problem lays- my classroom has become a dumping ground for these unique kids who have a plethora of issues and oh, yea, can't hear on top of it. And in our county their deafness trumps everything else, so they'll always be placed in a D/HH setting regardless of their disabilities. And in more and more cases, that's not the best placement. Without violating HIPPA laws, let me just say that of the 7 students I currently have only 3 are functioning close their assigned grade level, the rest are below a Kindergarten level. There are expected to be 3 students coming in next year all of whom are way below their assigned grade levels in addition there are severe medical concerns too. I know that it's not these kids' faults they were handed this life. They do the best they can. But the lack of support, communication, and desire is unbelievably draining.
Let me be clear- I have the utmost respect for teachers of physically disabled and intellectually disabled students. I know I could never handle that. It's not for me and I'm perfectly willing to accept and admit that. But now that's what I'm being expected to teach. My degree is in Deaf Education but I'm no longer teaching those vanilla deaf kids anymore...I'm still in love with the idea of teaching these very special learners, but that's not the reality anymore.
I never wanted to be part of the statistic of special education teachers that leave the field due to burn out or various other reasons (it's something like 20% annually). I never wanted to give up (which is how I see it, whether that's accurate or not). But I know that I can't continue like this. I dread getting up and going into work everyday and I'm not happy. So, for my own health and well-being, I'm choosing to exit this particular field of education. I was lucky enough to have a great friend who got me an interview at a different school and I've opted to take on a first grade general education class next year. It's extremely bittersweet. I'm sad to be leaving the school I've called home for the past 9.5 years and the friends I've made. But I'm looking forward to a change net year.
If you've stuck with me throughout this long post, know that I'm grateful for you reading to the end. This post was written on an emotional roller-coaster and so it's longwinded, maybe too honest, and maybe jumps around without clarifying (sorry!). I'm hopeful you can understand where I'm coming from and not resent me too much. I hope you continue to check back for updates (as I'll still be blogging, just with a new purpose), and I hope you appreciate my honesty. For those of you who continue to trudge through the mud daily, know that I continue to respect and admire you for all that you do. I know what you're going through, and should you ever make the same decision I have, know that you'll always have my complete understanding and support.
With love,
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