It's With a Heavy Heart...

This post is difficult for me to write and therefore hard for me to share...so please bear with me.

When I started teaching 9.5 years ago, I was in love. I had an amazing class full of what I call vanilla-deaf kids (meaning they were just deaf- there weren't any other concerns). They were unable to meet the demands of a general education classroom, but they were functioning kids nonetheless. I loved that class. Sure, there were behavior issues (aren't there always?), sure there were compatibility issues (mostly stemming from the fact that these kids had been together since Kindergarten and they needed new friends), sure there were academic issues (otherwise they'd have been mainstreamed), but overall it was great. The following couple of years were good too. Not as great, as the higher kids had moved into the other room (I can't teach them forever, right?), but still good. And then it happened. The downfall...I had never had a problem teaching the same kids for up to 4 years (K, 1, 2 and usually a repeated year), but then a group of students came in that weren't functioning. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. But let me explain- they came in with severe behavior issues, severe academic issues, severe social/emotional issues, no parent communication...suffice it to say they were/are the toughest group I've ever had to teach. I watched as one of my student's emotional issues got worse and worse and there was nothing I could do about it because no one believed me (except for those of us in the trenches everyday). It got to the point where I was being beaten up daily and not lightly either- I was being punched in the face, bitten, kicked, scratched, hair pulled, told to f*** off, spit at, and just generally abused. I had no support from the parents or administration. I was basically told that because I was an ESE teacher it was part of the package and I was expected to take it. Needless to say, this was where my love of teaching this extremely special group of students began to wane. I felt completely drained- mentally, physically, and emotionally. I was forced to watch as one student's mental health took it's toll on her and the rest of the class as I was unable to teach everyone else while attempting to handle her. This went on for 4.5 years and got worse and worse each year. And the lack of support from my administration also got worse and worse as they refused to do anything to provide support. The day they removed her from my class and placed her in the classroom next door, they assigned her a unique aide (a paraprofessional assigned directly to her needs)- which she's had ever since. That action showed me how much my administration disrespected me. I was angry, beat down, sad, and ultimately disenchanted with the entire system.

But I soldiered on. I tried to get back to teaching the rest of the students in my class- but then another behavior issue came about. This time SEVERE ADHD.  Again, we were in survival mode. This was the next student I watched get worse and worse. He's unable to retain any information and needs someone sitting directly next to him to control his behaviors. It's absolutely ridiculous. We've tried EVERYTHING to help him, but nothing is sticking. I mean, I've never been a proponent of medication but this is a child that we were practically begging the parents to look into it (they continue to refuse to even consider it, by the way). Summer came, and, again, I'm exhausted. My own health and well-being was suffering and I couldn't take much more. I took the summer to regroup and began to believe that next year would be better- I came up with ideas and ways to help my students become more independent and to generally function better. And there was a bright spot- a new principal was coming in and who knows what that would bring (mostly negatives, by the way). I started this year with 3 new students, 3 returning, and 1 that came to us in December. But here's where the problem lays- my classroom has become a dumping ground for these unique kids who have a plethora of issues and oh, yea, can't hear on top of it. And in our county their deafness trumps everything else, so they'll always be placed in a D/HH setting regardless of their disabilities. And in more and more cases, that's not the best placement. Without violating HIPPA laws, let me just say that of the 7 students I currently have only 3 are functioning close their assigned grade level, the rest are below a Kindergarten level. There are expected to be 3 students coming in next year all of whom are way below their assigned grade levels in addition there are severe medical concerns too. I know that it's not these kids' faults they were handed this life. They do the best they can. But the lack of support, communication, and desire is unbelievably draining.

Let me be clear- I have the utmost respect for teachers of physically disabled and intellectually disabled students. I know I could never handle that. It's not for me and I'm perfectly willing to accept and admit that. But now that's what I'm being expected to teach. My degree is in Deaf Education but I'm no longer teaching those vanilla deaf kids anymore...I'm still in love with the idea of teaching these very special learners, but that's not the reality anymore.

I never wanted to be part of the statistic of special education teachers that leave the field due to burn out or various other reasons (it's something like 20% annually). I never wanted to give up (which is how I see it, whether that's accurate or not). But I know that I can't continue like this. I dread getting up and going into work everyday and I'm not happy. So, for my own health and well-being, I'm choosing to exit this particular field of education. I was lucky enough to have a great friend who got me an interview at a different school and I've opted to take on a first grade general education class next year. It's extremely bittersweet. I'm sad to be leaving the school I've called home for the past 9.5 years and the friends I've made. But I'm looking forward to a change net year.

If you've stuck with me throughout this long post, know that I'm grateful for you reading to the end. This post was written on an emotional roller-coaster and so it's longwinded, maybe too honest, and maybe jumps around without clarifying (sorry!). I'm hopeful you can understand where I'm coming from and not resent me too much. I hope you continue to check back for updates (as I'll still be blogging, just with a new purpose), and I hope you appreciate my honesty. For those of you who continue to trudge through the mud daily, know that I continue to respect and admire you for all that you do. I know what you're going through, and should you ever make the same decision I have, know that you'll always have my complete understanding and support.


With love,

Donors Choose Project

My classroom is in dire need of technology. My Smartboard is over 10 years old (and is no longer interactive), my teacher laptop is almost 10 years old, and we have no student computers. So it's been my goal to get at least one student computer for my kids. They LOVE using mine when I let them...but alas, it just wasn't meant to be. I tried twice to get that project funded through donorschoose.com but no such luck. :( So, back in August I thought I'd give it one more try with an iPad instead as they are cheaper than some computers. I'm honestly not sure how, but somehow I managed to get it fully donated! My kiddos were SO EXCITED when it finally arrived around December. Of course I had to set it up and download some apps for them to use before I could turn it over to them. :) We had many discussions (and still occasionally have) about the proper use of the iPad (don't walk around the room with it, no pictures, etc.) Then I created a schedule for each day of the week (which got thrown out the window when a new student showed up lol). So now we just take turns. And they are loving using it! I'm so incredibly grateful to each and every person that dug deep into their pockets and helped fund this project. My kids are also incredibly grateful too- though they lack the language to tell you that. ;)

From the bottom of our hearts- THANK YOU! <3

Finally- a Schedule!

It's September 16th and we've just now gotten a final schedule nailed down. This, unfortunately, is completely typical.  Schedules are a nightmare for us. In all we spend about 24-30 hours creating, revising, changing, changing again, changing a third time, adding in something else, and then hitting the save and print buttons on our schedule. It's utterly exhausting.

Let me just start with telling you how many different people are involved in this: 2 teachers, 1 mainstream teacher (this varies from year to year),1 itinerant teacher (who works with 3 different schools and doesn't come on Wednesdays), 1 speech/language pathologist (who works with our cluster, the ASD cluster, and a pre-k class), 1 family counselor (who works with 2 different schools and is here only 2 days a week), 1 occupational therapist (again, only here 2 days a week), 2 paras, 1 general education teacher (to pair up with for specials), 1 interpreter (this varies depending on needs), and 11 students (this varies from year to year). Can you understand now when I say that schedules are a freaking nightmare?!

So let's start with the beginning (those things we can't control). We come back to a finalized lunch and specials schedule. Yay. Not- it usually doesn't work and then we have to beg to get it changed. Luckily this year it wasn't too bad- just a switch from the teacher we were supposed to pair up with to a different teacher to pair up with. So no big deal.

Then we have to work around the mainstream teacher's schedule (because God forbid they work around our schedules). I miss the good old days when our former Assistant Principal used to ask us first about what times we'd like lunch and specials...This year we have 4th grade mainstream students. And the 4th grade team has a schedule that is the complete opposite of everyone else in the school- they do reading in the afternoons in order to have a complete 90 minute block...which means that things are messed up for us here in the cluster. Normally both classes do reading in the morning because we can make better groups that way (and that's when the itinerant teacher is here). But not this year. I have reading in the morning and the other class has reading in the afternoon because that's when the mainstream kids come back here for ELA help. That made things really hard for everyone else because we're not allowed to pull students from their ELA block for anything other than reading. And math is being taught first thing in the morning and we can't pull from that subject either.

So, now the itinerant teacher can't see the mainstream kids because she leaves before they come back to us, and we end up pulling the others from their academics. Definitely not ideal. The rest of her schedule was relatively easy to figure out. But her not coming on Wednesdays really blows. It means that the small groups I normally have in my room become whole class and it's a mess.

The speech/language pathologist goes to the ASD cluster in the mornings because that's when we usually teach reading. And she gets built into the rotations in their schedule so it's imperative that she's over there every morning. For me that's fine because it's my reading block and I already have the itinerant teacher helping with groups. But it ends up that the SLP has to pull from the afternoon reading block (shhhh) for one other kid and have a before school speech group with the mainstream kids. Luckily she's awesome and flexible.  :)

Now on to OT and counseling. Our family counselor is just as awesome as our SLP and she's incredibly flexible. She eats lunch with the kids and generally works with them whenever she can. Our OT is great too. She tries her best to fit our kids in at decent times (during their centers or recess if necessary). This year all of this has worked out for me! :)

Each class is assigned one para and that makes their schedules easy too as we just have to arrange a half hour lunch and a half hour break sometime during the day for them. Easy peasy. The interpreter follows the mainstream kids' schedule and then because they're in with the other teacher in the afternoon she's able to go with my students to specials and interpret for them. That's a good thing because it's really hard to ask for another interpreter for just a half hour a day. Like, impossible- seriously won't happen. So that actually worked out in my favor this year- unlike previous years where we've been forced to send a K-2 class to specials with 3rd graders because that's when the interpreter was available. Not cool.

And of course we have our own classes to schedule. I have 6 students in Kindergarten-Second grade. Talk about scheduling troubles. All of them are on standards (though some shouldn't be) which means I have to expose them to grade level materials. Tell me how to do that with a second grade student who functions at about 3-4 years. :( Luckily (this really is my lucky year) my 6 students divided up decently into 2 groups. Both working on a Kindergarten level, but one a little higher up.

All in all, I got really lucky this year. My scheduling was relatively simple. And now that everything is settled, it seems to be working for all involved. :) Below is the final schedule for me, the SLP, the itinerant teacher, and the family counselor. What's not listed is OT times, para schedules, and the other class' schedule...good grief.

I sincerely hope you all have a much easier time with your schedules at the beginning of the year. I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone :)

#SpedChatSaturday Back to School Edition

Today is the first #SpedChatSaturday and I'm so excited for this! I think it's a great way to get the world of Special Ed. out in the open for all to see and learn about. Thanks goes to Ashley at Lattes, Lesson Plans, and IEPs for hosting the first week's topic.

So let's get down to business...to defeat the Huns. {Mulan reference, anyone?}

Let's start with 5:

I don't go back to school until August 17th (thankfully) so I'm really not ready to tackle any of this. However, I usually go back a few weeks before and get started with at least arranging my room. At my school there are 2 deaf/hard of hearing (DHH) teachers, 1 speech/language teacher (SLP), 1 itinerant teacher, 1 family counselor, 1 occupational therapist (OT),  (1 only this year!) mainstream teachers, and 14 (I think) students. This makes for a lot of scheduling NIGHTMARES! Seriously, there was a year where we took a combined total of 25 hours to create a workable schedule that then changed 4x before the first week of school was over. It's an absolutely horrendous task that I dread every year. The OT, SLP, and family counselor, and itinerant teacher all work with other students and/or at other schools so we have limited flexibility with their schedules. Plus, our students work on so many different levels that it's hard to create good groups for academics. Most years the schedule is tolerable but never ideal. Here's hoping there's one schedule year coming up though...

The first week I go back is dedicated to teacher planning (yay!) but I'm in so many meetings that all-in-all I end up with about 2 1/2-3 actual days of prep. And on top of that, I have to have my room ready by 10am on Friday because of Kindergarten orientation... That's another reason I try to get back into my room early. If my room is at least partially set-up before August17, then that makes things that much easier.

Organization is my thing. I live for it. My room and everything in it is completely organized by the time school starts...and then the first few weeks go by and I get lazy. :( And then I get annoyed that I never seem to be organized anymore. So I work on it, and then the cycle repeats itself...

But, in all honesty, these four things are vital to making the school year run smoothly. I keep *tons* of post-it notes all over my room to make lists of things I need to do. And then I cross them off as they get down. Every teacher planning or early release day I take time to file. I have individual folders for each student to put IEP paperwork into. Then it gets filed into their individual IEP folder kept in a locked file cabinet. I have binders all over the place filled with different things- master copies, IEP at-a-glance pages, student data, etc...it makes it easier for me to find things when I need them. Seriously, get yourself some binders and get stuff organized- it'll be so much easier to stay organized- in fact those are the few things that actually STAY organized throughout the year. :)

What I wouldn't give for the three things mentioned above. Seriously. Hands-down, these are the 3 things that make me want to give up every year. I have some serious behavior issues in my room from students not labeled anything other than DHH. When I say behavior issues I mean being punched in the face, kicked, sexually assaulted, groped, plus other things. It means DAYS spent dealing with this student at the expense of the other students (to the point where they literally cower and hide when this student walks in the room). And all of this is ok with my administration because I work in a self-contained special needs class. It's perfectly ok for these students to act like this- so I'm expected to accept it. Seriously. I cannot begin to tell you how upset ANGRY I get when that's the response I get from not only my school administration but from district personnel as well. We've tried everything within our rights in the classroom (PBIP, removal, suspension, etc.) to get the behavior under control- but nothing seems to work.

I digress...anyway, if these three things were under control I could focus on my students' needs a lot better and maybe actually teach once in a while.

Use a planner. I can't stress it enough. It's a great way to keep track of all those meetings (and we all know there's a ton of them), due dates, field trips, etc. I LOVE planners. Love. Love. Love.

Have a plan- delegate the important to-dos to the top of your lists and make sure they get done first, have a short list of things that MUST be done by the end of that day and make sure it gets done, ignore social media (I'm so guilty of not doing this). Step 1 is admitting you have a problem, right? Seriously. Addicted to my phone and computer. I'm really going to try and be better about this.

I promise to teach with fidelity. I mean serious-don't-give-a-crap-about-pacing-guides-or-test-questions fidelity. I'm so tired of hearing "I need them 3rd grade ready" {3rd grade is our state-mandated retention grade if they don't pass the test}. I can't put the cart before the horse. Can't. Won't. I'm done. I teach kids that are behind in all areas- the biggest of which being communication and incidental learning. They need to have fun. Hands-on learning. And if that means taking 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years (no, really, I'm going on 2 years of teaching some kids to count to 10 with 1:1 correspondence) to teach about nouns or counting or volcanos or whatever, then so be it.

So that's it folks. Feel free to leave comments with your thoughts. I love comments. :)